


A Tragedy in Vignettes

by Squeeb100



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bullying, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Crimes & Criminals, Descriptions of murder, Explicit Language, Family Drama, Feels, Flashbacks, Fratricide, Frigga (Marvel) Feels, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Imprisonment, Kid Loki and Kid Thor (Marvel), Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Murder, Not Happy, Odin (Marvel)'s Bad Parenting, Patricide, Pets, Platonic Cuddling, Referenced - Freeform, Suicide Attempt, Unreliable Narrator, also some of these characters are dead, and loki is not a happy man, and original characters used for my purposes, are brutal, but deaths are described and they, court trials, fenris is an alaskan noble companion dog, in fact it's a pretty terrible time, it's not a good time, jormungand is a ball python, no one actually dies 'onscreen', not thor and odin though they survive, references to ted kaczyinski, slap in the face to loki apologists, which is a tag i never thought i'd need
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 23:49:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15376095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squeeb100/pseuds/Squeeb100
Summary: "He didn’t want or need to explore whatever twisted logic Loki had created for himself, what awful world he lived in where death and murder were a first resort. Thor wanted desperately to go on believing that Loki had somehow just confused himself."Loki makes a series of very bad decisions. His family is left picking up the pieces, and Thor crafts a rough narrative of the events that changed his brother.





	A Tragedy in Vignettes

**Author's Note:**

> This story is not nice. Frequently people gloss over the fact that Loki killed upwards of 100 people and attempted genocide and fratricide, but when they don't, they forget to acknowledge that he, too, is a person, and there was a lot of trauma that led to that end. Loki is a dick, but it isn't for no reason. 
> 
> WARNINGS please read  
> \- descriptions of violence  
> \- descriptions of murder  
> \- bullying  
> \- suicide attempt  
> \- referenced mental illness  
> \- referenced abuse  
> \- more specifically referenced abuse of patient(s) in a psychiatric ward  
> \- a vaguely unhappy ending
> 
> but also:  
> \- cute animals
> 
> I love Loki a lot. I love good guy Loki and bad guy Loki, but most of all I love Loki as just an ambiguous and unpredictable emotional force who is not necessarily a bad person but who has done absolutely atrocious things. This is my attempt at that Loki.
> 
> I also don't intend to make ANY statement with this fic that don't directly have to do with the characters. Please bear in mind that we experience the story through Thor-tinted glasses, and Thor doesn't have all the information. This is what happens as Thor experiences it, not as it actually is. So if Loki's actions seem baseless that's probably why.

It had been an incredibly long, hot day, and Thor had been forced to leave his beautiful, beautiful, air-conditioned office at the peak of the heat to supervise work on the new wing of the library. At 5:30 he’d slumped into the house (beautiful, air-conditioned), exhausted, waved hello to Steve, and gone into the kitchen to grab a cold beer and place a pizza order. 

“How’s the library, Thor?” Steve called, turning the television down a few clicks. Then, teasing: “You look a little sweaty for an architect.”

“I’ve been supervising,” Thor grunted, peering around the corner into the living room, where Steve was watching the news. He shook his cell phone at his roommate in mock admonishment before turning his attention back to it and dialing a number. “What do you want on your pizza?” He asked.

“Just pepperoni, please,” Steve replied. Thor nodded and went back into the kitchen. He ended up ordering one pepperoni pizza and one Hawaiian pizza (what? Hawaiian pizza was delicious, no matter what anyone said) before popping the cap on his beer. He was interrupted mid-swig by an anxious warble from the living room.

“Hey, Thor?” Steve sounded somewhere between incredulous and terrified. “You should come look at this.” 

Wordlessly, Thor joined his roommate in the living room, where he took one look at the TV screen and sank down onto the sofa slowly. 

“Jesus Christ,” he muttered, staring at the screen. Steve didn’t say anything, and Thor took a few seconds to process what he was seeing: on their flatscreen TV, under the words “breaking news,” was his brother’s face. His fucking brother’s  _ mugshot. _ Then the image cut to a (live) video of Loki being led out of his house in handcuffs, snarling something at the arresting officer and jerking indignantly against his bonds. “Jesus  _ Christ, _ ” Thor repeated.

“After months of investigation,” the newscaster was saying, “forensic evidence has finally linked a single suspect to the Lachckov family murders and the subsequent bombings of major branches of the Lachckov corporation. No further information has been released about the case.” The scrolling information bar at the bottom of the screen supplied that the suspect had been taken into custody and was awaiting trial.

The story continued for a few moments before Thor stood up, turned around, and hurled his beer bottle at the opposite wall. Steve startled. 

“Fuck!” Thor bellowed, balling his fists. There was no physical act that could relieve the sudden emotional turmoil he was feeling. “God. Fucking, damn it!” He felt a hand on his shoulder and shrugged it off, the contact feeling wrong and bad and burning and his  _ brother  _ his brother Jesus Christ his brother was  _ in jail  _ his brother  _ had killed a family  _ and he knew, he  _ knew  _ it was Loki, it had been Loki, he’d been suspicious, of course, but he’d been in denial, and now there was  _ evidence _ . “FUCK!” He punched the couch.

Steve grabbed him by both shoulders this time, and didn’t let go. “Thor, buddy, I need you to calm down. Please, just sit down, let’s think about this for a second.” After a few moments of this gentle coercion Thor allowed himself to be forced back onto the couch, where he let out a sob. Steve sat next to him and side-hugged him.

“Loki,” Thor gasped into his hands, and there were actual tears running down his face. 

“Listen, Thor,” Steve murmured, rubbing gentle circles into his back, “we don’t know it was him. They just have evidence. Isn’t he related to them anyway? It could absolutely be a coincidence.” Steve’s voice was soothing.

“It’s not,” Thor mumbled into his palms. He ran a distressed hand through his hair. “It’s not a coincidence. He did it.”

Steve was silent for a moment, processing. “Did you know about this, Thor?” And now he sounded like Frigga when she was angry, gentle but firm, and  _ Frigga, _ did she know? What would she do? This would break her heart.

“No. But.” Thor rubbed his forearm over his eyes, sniffed, and looked up at Steve. “I suspected, you know? That it was him. There were just a few things that...added up.”

Steve nodded, visibly relieved that Thor wasn’t an accomplice to murder. 

“I just didn’t want to believe it.” Thor finished, quietly.

“I know, it’s hard, he’s your brother,” Steve said and  _ how  _ was he so strong, so composed? “It’s hard when someone you love does something bad. You just want to go on believing they couldn’t have done it.”

“I love him so much.” Thor’s voice was a wrecked, pathetic squeak at this point. 

“What are you feeling right now?” And for all his football physique, Steve should probably have been a therapist instead of a middle-school gym teacher. 

“Angry. Sad. Shocked, in spite of it all,” because everything about the crime had been consistent with Loki’s behavior, his style, his motives, and Thor had been in denial.

“Betrayed?” Steve asked, and Thor nodded.

“And scared. Steve, I’m scared for him. He’ll hate prison.” Which was the point of prison, what a stupid thing to say, but what if they sentenced Loki to life? What if he got assaulted or raped or beat up on in prison and Thor wouldn’t be able to help him out? “He’s...what if…” he couldn’t make himself say it. “Oh, God.” Thor buried his face in his hands again, defeated. Steve patted him on the back helplessly, murmured some empty words of encouragement, and then the doorbell rang. 

The pizza had arrived.

ooo

_ Every day, Thor and Loki would meet up out front after school, walk to the subway, take the B Train to the station a block from home, and take the elevator all the way up to their apartment. Then Thor would throw his bag at the door and rush back to street level so he could walk the two blocks to Central Park and meet his friends. Usually, Loki would come too. _

_ At first, Mother hadn’t wanted them running around by themselves, because New York was a lot different than London and there was much more violence and so many more cars. But Mother had  _ finally  _ allowed them to walk by themselves because Thor was in sixth grade now, middle school. Two more years and he’d be a  _ teenager. _ Loki was in the fifth grade, but he was only nine. Even though he was little, Mother had said if Thor took care of him it would be okay. _

_ “That one’s pretty,” Loki was saying, pointing at one of the carriage horses. He stopped, looked at it hard for a minute, and then trotted back up to his brother’s side and informed Thor: “he’s a boy.”  _

_ Thor didn’t care much for horses, but they were nice, and they were what knights rode, so he and Loki frequently pretended Mother’s brooms were horses, riding them around the apartment until one of them inevitably ran into something and Father yelled at them to cut it out.  _

_ “Sif had her hair really short today,” Thor told his younger brother, raising his voice above the blaring of car horns. They were almost to the park by now. “I told her it looked nice and she got mad.” _

_ “She’s angry because I pranked her,” Loki informed his brother smugly. _

_ “She’s angry because you cut off a huge chunk of her hair and she had to even it out and she has boy hair now,” Thor retorted. _

_ “She was Rapunzel, and I wanted the hair for myself. I was the evil witch.”  _

_ “That’s not how the story goes, Loki,” Thor sighed, because  _ honestly, _ Loki was such a  _ child _ sometimes. And he’d brought scissors to the park even though that wasn’t allowed. Mother had been really mad at him. _

_ “It’s gonna rain,” Loki said as they entered the park, feeling themselves disappear under the soft awnings of the trees. _

_ “Why would it rain? There aren’t any clouds.” _

_ “No, but Mrs. Patrice said when there’s a halo around the moon at night it means it will precipitake the next day, and there was a halo last night, so it’s going to rain. Or maybe hail.” Loki trotted up ahead of Thor to prod at something on the ground, probably a bug. “I hope it hails,” he was muttering as Thor caught up. _

_ Spotting his friends in the distance, Thor waved and called out to them. “Hey guys!” Fandral was sitting on a park bench looking at a pigeon while Sif and Hogun climbed around on the big rocks behind it and Volstagg pulled bark off a tree, looking for bugs. Thor thought he would probably join Sif and Hogun. When Thor and Loki walked in the park with Mother she always made them stay on the path, but when Mother wasn’t there, the rocks were the most fun. _

_ “What is  _ he  _ doing here?” Sif scoffed, sliding off the rocks as the brothers approached. Even though Thor had seen her all day at school, she still looked weird with her short haircut. She looked mad still as she glared at Loki. _

_ “Hey, ankle-biter,” Volstagg greeted the little boy. Loki waved. _

_ “Seriously, Thor, why’d you bring your brother?” Sif persisted, walking up. She was a good head taller than Thor and already had little tiny boobs and had to wear a training bra which she complained about all the time. That’s what happened with puberty. She towered over Loki, who was short for his age anyway, and pursed her lips in disapproval.  _

_ “Are you still mad ‘cause I cut your hair?” Loki mocked, staring up at the girl. Fearless. _

_ “You’re a little shit,” Sif snorted, and Thor gasped involuntarily at her language. He’d heard the eighth graders use words like that before, but he still wasn’t used to it, and Sif wasn’t nearly old enough to say those words. Loki had said ‘ass’ once and Father had washed his mouth with a bar of soap like in an old movie. Mother had been upset when she found out about the punishment. _

_ “Screw you!” Loki shot back, squaring his little shoulders. Sif shoved him and he was forced to step back a few paces. Thor inserted himself at this point. _

_ “Leave him alone, Sif,” Thor ordered. Sif deflated a little bit, but glared over Thor’s shoulder at Loki and stuck her tongue out. _

_ “Why do you always defend him, Thor?” Fandral asked, taking an interest in the drama. “If you don’t let him get beat up he won’t know how to fight his own battles.” _

_ “And he’s already scrawny,” Volstagg said.  _

_ “He only gets picked on because he’s so used to you taking care of him,” Fandral continued, and that made Thor mad because Loki would be picked on no matter what, and Mother said he was lucky to have a big brother who took such good care of him. Thor couldn’t argue with Fandral, though, because Loki was still glaring daggers at Sif and trying to edge around Thor to get to her. _

_ “You just did it because you have weird hair,” Sif muttered, still arguing with Loki. It was true; Thor and Loki had their hair cut the same length, like normal boy hair, but Loki’s hair was black. He hadn’t even dyed it or anything like the goth kids on TV, he was born like that. Thor had asked Mother why Loki had dark hair while Thor, Mother and Father were blonde, and she’d just said sometimes genetics are like that. _

_ “You’re just mad because now you’re even more like a boy,” Loki huffed petulantly, shooting a scowl at Thor for continuing to stand in the way. _

_ Thor and Loki ended up leaving the park earlier than usual. Loki and Sif wouldn’t stop fighting, and eventually Fandral started directly teasing the younger boy as well. Sif had called Loki a freak and he’d punched her really hard (harder than Thor thought he could, Loki  _ was  _ scrawny, he got sick a lot) and then they had to leave.  _

_ “I don’t think your friends like me very much,” Loki muttered in the elevator. _

_ “They’re your friends too, if you just stop acting so weird around them,” Thor retorted. Loki’s face crumpled. He slumped in the corner of the elevator and curled up, and his shoulders started shaking.  _

_ “They’re just like all the other kids. They call me a freak too, because I’m littler than them and smarter than them. They hate me,” he muttered into his thighs. _

_ “That’s not true,” Thor argued, caught off guard by the sudden change.  _

_ “It is, Brunhilde said only the teachers like me.” _

_ “Well, that’s not true, is it?” Thor asked, kneeling next to his trembling brother. Loki made a sound somewhere between a whimper and a sob. “That’s not true, because I like you. A whole lot. You’re my favorite person ever, Loki.” _

_ That worked; Loki looked up skeptically, rubbing his sleeve across his face. “Really? Why?” _

_ “Because you’re my brother, and my best friend, and even if you’re mean sometimes I know you love me too. And I’ll never stop liking you,” Thor assured him. _

_ “Never?” _

_ “Ever.” _

ooo

Thor and Steve had cleaned up the glass and beer and picked at the pizza before Thor received a call from Frigga saying she was going to be on the next flight to New Mexico. Thor eventually managed to send his roommate to bed, assuring him that he was fine, and waited up for his mother. It was after midnight when she arrived. Thor wearily opened the door and she rushed in to embrace him.

“Oh, my love.” She stroked his hair, though she was a good foot shorter than him. When she pulled back and looked up at him, he drew in a sharp breath. Her hair had come undone, and her eyes were red-rimmed. Seeing his normally composed mother fall apart brought Thor to the verge of tears again.

They didn’t immediately talk about Loki, because neither of them knew what to say.

“Mother,” Thor rumbled fondly. “How was your flight?”

“It was fine, my love.” Frigga set her bag down by the door. She’d packed light; she had probably thrown whatever she could in her bag and gone to the airport as soon as she’d found out. “I’m exhausted. Your father is coming up tomorrow night; he had business to attend.”

“Would you like anything to drink? Tea?” Thor asked, ushering his mother over to the sofa. She ran a weary hand through her hair.

“Hot tea, please, my love.” She leaned back into the cushions and closed her eyes; she hadn’t moved when Thor brought the tea back, so he set it on the coffee table. Then he sat down next to her and stared at the vacant TV screen.

“He used his call on me,” Frigga said, breaking the comfortable silence. 

“What?”

“His phone call. The one call they give you when they arrest you. He called my cell phone.” To be sure Odin wouldn’t pick up, Thor thought. 

“What did he say?” Thor asked, hesitant.

“He said, very composed, very calm, all to-the-point: ‘Mother, I’ve been arrested for murder.’” She paused. “And so I said ‘Well, love, are you guilty?’ And he said ‘they probably have the phone tapped,’ and asked me to fly in.” Thor was sure that the conversation had been more emotionally charged than that, but as drained as he was he didn’t mind the dry synopsis. Frigga picked up her tea and just held it with both hands. “Which I assume means that he is.”

“He is,” Thor sighed. Frigga shot him a questioning look. “He didn’t...he didn’t tell me, I just. I sort of knew. I couldn’t believe he would but…”

“You can believe that he did,” Frigga finished. She took a sip of her tea. “Thank you, love, that’s good, is it chamomile?”

“With honey,” Thor nodded.

“It’s good,” she trailed off and sighed. Then: “My poor baby,” she murmured. “In a cold prison cell, all alone. He must be frightened.” Her voice broke.

“I think Loki gave up being frightened a long time ago,” Thor replied quietly. He had memorized the calluses on his hands, he’d been staring at them so long.

“I think Loki’s been nothing but frightened since he left home,” Frigga smiled sardonically, putting her tea down and twisting her wedding ring anxiously. “I just...I just wonder what I could have done differently,” the smile fell and she sniffed, silent tears running down her face. “I love him so. I’m so proud of him. And now he’s dug himself this hole and no matter how much I want to protect him I can’t save my baby from what he did to himself. And that poor family.” She sobbed helplessly, raising her hands to her face. “If he did it...if he did that, how could he? Every one of them, his siblings, even. If he did do it.”

Thor turned and embraced his mother, rubbing small circles into her upper back as she’d once done to calm him. He couldn’t tell her it would be okay.

Instead: “It’s not your fault, mother.”

“But it is, at least in part,” Frigga cried openly into her older son’s shoulder. “The way he is. Even if he’s innocent I can never fix the way we raised him.”

“You raised us well.”

“I thought so, too,” Frigga sighed. “I thought I had.”

ooo

_ Thor did very well in high school. He was on the honor roll, in the National Honor Society, was taking AP classes and getting 3s and 4s on the exams. Loki did  _ exceptionally  _ well in high school; he’d already skipped a year in elementary school, but he was taking the same math courses as Thor all the way through and scored consistent 5s on AP tests. He was in the top percentile of his class, so it was no surprise, come senior year, when he was accepted at a number of prestigious schools.  _

_ One particular night at dinner, when Thor was there for their parents’ anniversary, Loki set several pre-opened envelopes on the table, then looked at his family expectantly. He’d always had a flair for the dramatic. _

_ “Are you the one who’s been squirreling away my mail?” Frigga teased, taking a bite of mashed potato. Loki grinned at her mischievously. _

_ “Well, show us what’s in them,” Odin prompted tiredly, looking at his steak. _

_ “They’re from schools,” Loki said proudly, then held up the envelopes--there were a number of schools represented, but the insignias that caught Thor’s eye were Harvard, Stanford. Was Loki serious? “They’ve all accepted me but Stanford, and I didn’t care for California anyway.” _

_ The second half of Loki’s sentence had been drowned in Frigga’s noise as she stood and cheered and ran halfway around the table to hug him. Thor patted his brother on the back, feeling like he would burst from pride; even Odin had a proud smile on his face as he gazed at his younger son. _

_ “That’s incredible, Loki!” Thor said. “When did you find out?” _

_ “The last one came in the mail today. I’ve had some of them for weeks.” And of course he’d been saving them, to drop one huge bomb on the family at once.  _

_ “Your mother and I are very proud, Loki.” And that looked like it just about made Loki’s week; he looked more excited about that than the acceptance to Harvard. His eyes brightened and he grinned at Odin. _

_ “Thank you,” he said sincerely.  _

_ “You worked so hard, love,” Frigga said, hugging Loki again. “I’m so proud.” Thor didn’t remember a reaction like this to his acceptances or scholarships, but he did remember more enthusiasm from Odin. He’d always been Odin’s favorite and Loki Frigga’s, so maybe it was par for the course. _

_ The family did eventually settle back into dinner again, but they ate punctuated by fervent conversation about school and test scores and Harvard. Loki had wanted to be a lawyer since he was very young, probably because it was the only job that paid you to argue. He mentioned that he was considering committing to Harvard and going for a law degree, which Frigga and Thor greeted with encouragement. _

_ But: “It will be challenging,” Odin warned. Loki’s face fell immediately as he turned to face his father. _

_ “Do you think I can’t handle it?”  _

_ “I did not say you couldn’t handle it,” Odin corrected him. “I said it would be challenging. And expensive, unless they gave you a grant.” _

_ “They did not. You’re rich enough that they didn’t offer anything.” There was a hidden challenge there. A dare. _

_ “Wouldn’t you prefer an engineering degree?” Odin asked. “A chance to take on my company in the future?” _

_ “Oh, please.” Loki looked at his food, pushed it around with his fork. _

_ “And what does that mean, young man?” _

_ Loki stared very hard at some peas. “You really must think I’m dumb,” he muttered out one corner of his mouth, brow furrowed. _

_ Odin put his fork down stiffly. “Please,” he said, as coldly as Loki. “Enlighten me.” _

_ “Please calm down, both of you,” Frigga insisted. “Yelling has never gotten you anywhere, though it’s the only interaction you two seem inclined to have. Harvard has engineering programs, if Loki decides that’s what he wants. Why can’t he just have what he wants?” she practically begged on her son’s behalf. _

_ “Frigga,” Odin warned through grit teeth. “I don’t want one of our sons squandering his future.” _

_ “Law school is hardly  _ squandering _ ,” Thor leaped to his brother’s defense.  _

_ “Let’s lay that issue to rest for the moment, Odin,” Frigga attempted to defuse the situation. “Let’s at least agree on Harvard. Loki’s been awarded no grants or scholarships, but we’re going to help him out.” She paused, then looked at her husband scathingly. “Right?” _

_ “I’ll pay half,” Odin acquiesced. Loki’s gaze snapped up again to challenge his father’s. “Half, and no more.” _

_ “You paid almost all of Thor’s.” Loki spoke quickly, as if he’d been expecting it. _

_ “Thor was going into engineering,” Odin sounded reasonable, but he was raising his voice. “Don’t you question my motives, Loki!” _

_ “You have the money!” Loki complained. “Why wouldn’t you support me in this?” _

_ “Do you take me for granted?”  _

_ “I expect fair treatment!” Loki swept his hand across the table as he stood, scattering the envelopes. Several fell to the floor. “You wouldn’t pay tuition even if I was going to be an engineer, you wouldn’t care! You chose Thor for your position long ago!” _

_ “Loki Olson, don’t you  _ dare  _ speak to me like that!” Odin stood to match Loki’s height, balling his fists. Fights between Odin and Loki had been escalating consistently since Loki’s birth; they weren’t an unusual occurrence, but they were alarming. Thor and Frigga stood too and began the task of trying to calm the other two down. “If you live under my roof, you will follow my rules,” Odin growled. _

_ “And what if I don’t?” Loki screeched. He was crying, now, Thor realized. Hysterical. Thor didn’t even think Loki was mad about the tuition. He looked heartbroken over something else entirely. _

_ “Then you will pay for your own damn education! You are ungrateful, insubordinate, and wily and if you refuse to see what I have done for you, Loki, then you will have to do it for yourself!” Odin slammed a fist on the table, making the silverware jump. _

_ “I don’t want your fucking job!” Loki started forward as if to physically challenge his taller, heavier father, but Thor grasped his shoulder to hold him back. Loki whipped around, glared at his brother, then wrenched himself away and stalked off. Everyone stood, frozen, for a few moments, processing. Then Frigga shot Odin a disappointed look and rushed after her son. _

_ Thor picked up the envelopes, then made some tea, because he didn’t know what else to do. _

_ Odin sat down and finished eating. _

ooo

Two days after Loki’s arrest, Frigga, Odin and Thor visited him at the Los Alamos Correctional Facility, where he was being held until his trial. They were allowed to see him one at a time, Frigga first, then Odin. Frigga came back visibly shaken, and Odin had an expression Thor had seen so many times before, thunderous rage suppressed under a blank exterior. Loki had always been the best at earning that rage. 

The visitation room wasn’t at all what Thor had expected. It held about six tables, three of which were currently occupied by orange-clad convicts and dolled-up spouses, children, friends. Loki was at the far end of the room, and he watched intently as Thor approached. The walk seemed to take forever, and Thor couldn’t get the thought out of his mind that this was  _ wrong, _ this was so wrong, this wasn’t where Loki belonged, the prison uniform looked terrible on him. 

Loki stood as Thor approached and Thor took the opportunity to wrap him in a hug, as if he could absorb his brother and carry him back to freedom. Loki eventually reciprocated, leaning into Thor’s chest, as he couldn’t embrace him with the handcuffs. One of the guards blew a whistle and ordered them to separate, as if there was a legitimate concern one of them would hurt the other; they sat on opposite ends of the table, which was split in half by a line of white tape. There was a timer on the table, counting down.

“Hello, Thor,” Loki greeted his brother pleasantly, if not happily. 

“Hello, Loki,” Thor replied, then immediately choked up and managed (he hoped) to pass it off as a laugh. “You look like shit.” He did; Loki looked frazzled and exhausted in a way Thor had thought was years behind him. His eyes were red-rimmed and baggy and he looked paler and thinner than he had just months before. Though his hair was generally not the  _ healthiest, _ it now bordered on stringy; he was greasier than usual, which was a feat in and of itself.

Loki smiled and leaned back, looking at home. He would have spread his arms wide if not for the cuffs--it was an act Thor knew all too well. “Well, dear brother, the past few days haven’t been kind to me.” Try  _ months. _ Loki looked like he hadn’t slept or showered since the family was last together at Christmas. 

“I’ve missed you,” Thor said. 

“I’ve been busy,” Loki replied, cryptically, and Thor didn’t need to ask with what. “How’s work?” he deflected.

“I don’t want to talk about work, Loki, I want to talk about you. About this,” Thor gestured to the room. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law,” Loki quoted. “And I’m innocent until otherwise proven.”

“Law school finally paid off?” Thor smiled wryly.

Loki’s laugh was dry. “Law school won’t ever pay off; it was expensive and useless. And they read your Miranda rights as you’re arrested anyway. It is just like in the movies. Very big men, very assertive, show up at your house and cuff you. I was reading, at the time, in my pajamas, and I’d just made tea, it was very inconsiderate of them.” 

Thor thought to himself that it had been very inconsiderate of Loki to invade a family home during the holidays and stab everyone to death as they slept, but he didn’t say that. 

“I saw you on the news,” Thor said. “After I got home from work. There was a live news story about your arrest.”

“Hm. I’ll bet that was a nasty shock.” Loki clasped his cuffed hands on the table. “I hope you’ll forgive me, that I called Mother instead of you, but I felt she deserved to hear it from me first.” There was something unspoken there, which Thor let ride.

“What were you reading?” He asked. Small talk was clearly a safer route to take.

“ _ The Kite Runner _ ,” Loki replied coolly. 

“Just get around to reading it?” Thor teased. Frigga had given Loki that book for Christmas. 

“Was my second time through. But please, tell me what  _ you’ve  _ been up to. I’d rather not talk about my job or my life right now.” Loki looked up at Thor expectantly. His eyes were green,  _ very  _ green, and his hair was so dark, and Thor wondered, not for the first time, how they hadn’t questioned his identity before that day seven months before. 

“We began construction on the library wing I designed,” Thor said.

“I remember that one. It was impressive. The Santa Fe library, was it?”

Thor nodded. “They had to take out part of it after that crazy monsoon season and I designed the wing to replace it. It was difficult, I had to build up rather than out, since space is so limited.”

“How far along is it?” Loki asked, head tilted, inviting an answer.

“Not very,” Thor paused, looked around at the stark white walls, then changed the direction of the conversation again. “Loki, are you...are you comfortable here? I don’t know what you’re allowed to have but if we can bring you anything…”

“The answer, I’m afraid, is  _ not much _ . Mother asked the same question, though, and I asked her to bring me some books, some paper, a pencil. There’s not much that isn’t considered a hazard.” Loki laughed once, sharp and self-deprecating. “I’ve been led to believe that the intention is to punish me.”

“It isn’t,” Thor insisted. “You haven’t been tried yet, you could be released--”

“Do you really think there’s a chance in hell?” Loki interrupted, quietly. His gaze was incredibly intense, it always had been, but Thor had never found himself compelled to look away before, not like this. Like this, Loki looked  _ dangerous.  _ If Thor had somehow still been holding onto a scrap of belief in Loki’s innocence, a small, naive hope that his brother  _ wasn’t _ capable of murder, Loki had just snatched that scrap, crumpled it up, and held a match to it.

“If you could, Thor,” Loki asked then, as if nothing had happened, “find out where my dog is? They must have taken him somewhere when they searched the house.”

“I’ll take care of him for you,” Thor agreed. “I’ll even take him back to my house, Loki, if that’s okay with you. Steve won’t mind.”

“That would...I’d appreciate that.” Loki sounded truly grateful, and Thor found himself wondering, not for the first time, if Loki had friends who  _ weren’t  _ animals. “And, if you could, find the snake as well, please?”

“Steve might draw the line at a snake,” Thor warned.

“Then sneak him in, he’s not dangerous,” Loki insisted. He still carried his general cool air of detachment, but did seem oddly concerned about his pets. “He won’t be as lonely but he’ll be hungry. There’s frozen mice in my fridge, the live ones have probably died.” How Loki had ever kept live mice as food for a snake was beyond Thor, but at least Thor wouldn’t be directly responsible for mouse deaths. “And Fenris had food and a bed at my place, which you may be able to snag if it isn’t considered evidence. The mice too, though I don’t know why they would be evidence. Maybe ask.”

“Alright, Loki, I’ll take your nightmare pets.” 

“Thank you, Thor. I really do appreciate it.”

It wasn’t very long, then, before the guard made Thor leave. He told Loki he loved him and received a nod of acknowledgement, then watched over his shoulder as his brother was led out of the room through the opposite door. He suddenly realized that this could be his only mode of contact with Loki for the rest of their lives. That terrified him.

ooo

_ “Your brother just threw himself off a bridge” wasn’t remotely close to one of the top ten things Thor wanted to learn when his phone woke him up at midnight. _

_ Frigga sounded hysterical, but she wasn’t crying, so Thor didn’t go ballistic. Really. He only panicked a little. _

_ “My God, is he okay?” Thor stood and left his dorm room, wandering into the bathroom, sleep-fogged mind not immediately processing the situation in its entirety. “Which bridge? Did he hurt himself?” _

_ “He’s hurt, but okay. Thankfully someone was there, he did manage to knock himself out and he would have drowned if they hadn’t rescued him.” Frigga sounded as shocked as Thor felt. “He’s in the hospital, he’s fine,” she took a shuddering breath. “I just thought you should know what happened.” _

_ That his brother had attempted suicide. _

_ “When did he do that?” Thor made an attempt to calm his voice. _

_ “This evening,” Frigga replied. “Half an hour ago, maybe an hour, it really did go very fast once they found him and managed to contact us.” _

_ “I’m coming up,” Thor decided. “I need to be there.” Frigga didn’t argue, because she was Frigga, not Odin, and Thor hung up after sending everyone his love, then ran back into his dorm room to pack some necessities. _

_ “Ugh, what the fuck?” His roommate complained when he turned the lights on. “Thor, it’s…” he checked his alarm clock and groaned, “2 in the morning…” _

_ “I’m sorry, Clint, go back to sleep,” Thor started opening drawers and grabbing clothes and toiletries. “I have to drive home on short notice.” _

_ “At 2 in the morning?” _

_ “It’s an emergency. Go back to sleep.” _

_ Thor was mired in thought the whole drive home. How had this happened? Why hadn’t Loki talked to him, to  _ anyone,  _ when had this become an option?  _

_ Thor couldn’t imagine what would drive a person to suicide. Loki didn’t have  _ fantastic  _ mental health, but he managed. He’d always been bullied in school  but that had receded recently as well. He argued with Odin and lashed out at Thor but he’d never actually hurt himself or anyone else. Thor couldn’t understand it, couldn’t process it. It didn’t feel real. But Loki was alive, and that was the important thing, was that Loki could have succeeded and didn’t. _

_ At the hospital, Thor checked in at the front desk, asking to visit the room number Frigga had texted him, explaining he was the brother and flashing his driver’s license. He made the walk to Loki’s room in a daze, feeling a twisted kind of nostalgia brought on by the smell of hospital chemicals. But although Loki had been in here a few years earlier when he’d had pneumonia, and several other times as a child, Thor wasn’t prepared for how small and still his brother would look in the hospital bed that night. He looked half dead, Frigga dozing beside him and Odin sleeping in a chair opposite the door. _

_ Frigga only seemed to realize Thor’s presence when he pulled a chair up beside her, looking up and running a hand through her greying hair.  _

_ “Hi, baby. It’s good to see you.” _

_ “It’s good to see you too.” Thor turned and looked at Loki for a moment, taking in his bruised face, his neck brace. Loki’s skin was so pale Thor could see the veins that spidered out beneath it. He was breathing gently and hooked up to a heart monitor that beeped at regular intervals. “What’s the damage?” He asked. _

_ “He’ll be okay in a few weeks,” Frigga said. “And he shouldn’t be unconscious for too long. He hit his head hard, but there shouldn’t be any lasting effects. He broke five ribs and his pelvis, and it isn’t that bad but it will take weeks to heal. They said he’s lucky he didn’t break his spine.” She dropped her head into her hands. “Oh, my baby…” _

_ “Mother,” Thor said, then stopped, because what was there to say? _

_ “They have to put him in a...a mental hospital, when he’s better. To try and fix whatever’s happening to him.” Frigga looked up and ran her eyes back over the still body of her younger son. Her baby. Thor knew Loki was Frigga’s favorite, and he Odin’s, because while Thor had grown into football and roughhousing Loki had remained under his mother’s wing, asking her to teach him to paint. Helping her cook. She’d let Thor go but kept Loki, and that was just the way it had always been. “Thor, what did we do? It’s always been rough with him but he’s always been such a good boy anyway, and he’s seemed happy.” She looked at Thor hard and he had to swallow against the confusion swirling in her gray eyes. “Why would he throw his life away?” _

_ “I don’t know.” Thor clasped his hands in his lap. _

_ “He’s so, so smart and so sensitive and...he’s going to do such amazing things…” Frigga was crying now. “I just feel like I  _ failed  _ him somehow,” she gasped, helpless. _

_“No, no,” Thor wrapped a hesitant arm around her shoulders. “Mother, you’ve been the best of all of us to Loki. He’s had a hard year, with all the stress from school and,” he barely remembered in his haste to drop his voice to add: “from Father. And I’ve been out of his life. Mother, you’re the only one who’s done right by him.” Thor pulled Frigga into a full hug and felt tears trail down his face, falling and spotting her pale yellow dress._ _He shuddered and sighed and finally just said: “he’s going to be okay.”_

_ “How do you know,” Frigga whispered. _

_ “He’s going to be okay,” Thor repeated, his voice a barely-audible rumble. _

ooo

Loki had a big black dog named Fenris and a ball python named Jormungand, both of which were in state custody. Thor managed to get them back but wasn’t allowed into Loki’s house (everything was considered evidence), so he had to make a pit stop at a pet store once he made it back to Santa Fe. He had to call and ask the warden to find out what kind of food Fenris ate and look up a ton of information on ball pythons (which were apparently the most fragile animals in the world) and he had  _ not _ signed up for this.

He did like snakes, though.

Steve liked snakes decidedly  _ less, _ and while he had willingly accepted an excited, fluffy Fenris into his shared home, he’d made Thor sign a “contract” stating that Steve would never have to see or interact with Jormungand ever after he helped Thor drag the snake’s luxury penthouse into his room. Jormungand, who had been relatively quiet the whole drive up, perked up and slithered out curiously once his tank heated up to an appropriate temperature. He was a decent-sized snake, but slithered benignly up to the glass and looked at Thor with slit pupils, scenting the air with his tiny red tongue.

“So you’re Loki’s little guy, huh?” Thor asked, opening the front-hinging doors on the tank and lifting the snake out. He’d seen social media pictures of Loki wearing the tiny dude like a scarf, so he assumed he wouldn’t be bitten. Thor placed the snake on the bed, where he began to noodle around, exploring the mountains and valleys in Thor’s old comforter. He really was cute. Thor liked snakes. He wouldn’t mind keeping this little guy.

Thor lay down on his side and Jormungand slithered over and hid under the curve of his thigh. “I wonder if you miss him,” Thor said, lifting the snake up and setting him closer to his face. “I wonder if you even recognize people.” 

Jormungand flicked his little red tongue in reply and slithered away, off to explore new and exciting vistas. Thor placed him back in his cage. 

“I bet you’re a hungry little guy. The internet said you eat every couple weeks but Loki said you’d be hungry. I’m going to feed you.” Thor latched the tank behind him and descended to the kitchen, where Steve was still sitting on the linoleum, petting Loki’s dog.

“This is the best guy,” Steve said as Fenris tackled him and licked his face, then jumped up and bounded over to greet Thor. “We should get a german shepherd. That’s what he is, right?”

“Um,” Thor said, opening the freezer and pulling out a wrapped-up frozen mouse. Fenris was spinning in excited bouncy dog circles next to him, maybe begging for food. “He’s something else. Alaskan companion dog or something? I can’t remember the name.”

“You know how old he is?” Steve made some kissy noises and Fenris leaped back to his side and barked, fluffy tail wagging as he assumed a playful posture.

“Loki got him as a puppy, and that was maybe three years ago. He’s grown up,” Thor decided. “He’s been in dog jail for four days, though, so you can’t tell.” Fenris was wagging his tail and tackling Steve like a puppy. When Steve grabbed him he rolled over and gnawed on his arm gently, exposing a little white spot on his chest. 

“He’s a big boy. A good boy.” Steve rubbed the dog’s tummy and cooed at him while Thor put the mouse in a plastic cup of warm water. 

“That mouse has to thaw for a while,” Thor informed his roommate, and that was a weird thing to say. “Wanna eat something?”

“We can make pasta,” Steve suggested, patting Fenris, and pasta sounded delicious after the day Thor had had. Even after putting a frozen baby mouse in a cup of warm water. They had the pasta cooking in no time, but while they prepared for and ate their meal, Fenris retired to the front door, where he lay whining.

“He thinks Loki’s coming,” Thor murmured sadly. At the sound of his master’s name, Fenris turned and looked over his shoulder at Thor.

“Hey, buddy, come in here!” Steve called. Fenris hopped up and trotted in, and Steve scratched him behind the ears. Fenris kept whining. “You miss your daddy, huh?” Steve asked, leaning down so the dog could lick his face. “Poor buddy.” He sat back up to talk to Thor. “It’s so sad when dogs are separated from their owners. This guy loves your brother a lot.” As if in response, Fenris turned and looked pointedly at the door, then back at Steve, and barked. “He doesn’t even know where he is right now.”

And he might never see him again. Thor smiled sadly and gave Fenris a noodle, which he snapped up looking like the dogs from  _ Lady and the Tramp _ ; Loki would probably yell at Thor for teaching the dog to expect food from the table. Either that, or Loki was exactly the kind of person who fed his dog from the table, because Fenris sat obediently and waited for for more, ears perked.

“Ah,” Steve said. He was looking at his phone screen. “Alaskan Noble Companion Dog? It’s got husky, german shepherd, and malamute in it, and a bunch of other things...they’re supposed to look just like wolves.” Steve turned off his phone and set it down. “Neat.”

Thor laughed. “Loki is exactly the kind of person who would choose a dog breed just because it looked like a wolf.”

“What kind of person is your brother?” Steve asked cautiously. “Other than the kind who buys a dog because it looks like a wolf. You said he definitely murdered those people. But his dog is so sweet. Is that just...y’know...dogness?”

“Loki loves this dog like a son,” Thor said, scratching between Fenris’ ears. “And the snake, Jormungand. Loki has like three Instagram posts and two of them are him with that snake.”

“Why do the pets have such crazy names?” Steve asked, slipping Fenris a noodle.

“It’s a joke,” Thor replied. “Loki, the god in Norse mythology, had a lot of kids. One of them was a wolf named Fenrir or Fenris, and one was a huge snake named Jormungand.” 

“That’s bizarre.” 

“Mhm,” Thor agreed. Fenris laid down on the cool tile and huffed. “There was also a horse. I think Loki would have a horse, but he doesn’t have the time or the money to spare.”

“Your brother a fan of mythology?”

“He’s a fan of literature in general,” Thor replied. 

“So what’s he like?” Steve asked again. “Like, for real. Tell me about your brother, the stuff other than what he said over Christmas break or a weird story from your childhood. Where does he work? Is he a nice guy, or an asshole?”

“An asshole,” Thor laughed. “He’s a dick. Even as a kid, he constantly ran around pranking everyone. Some of them were fine, innocent, like April Fool’s Day pranks. But one time he cut off some of our friend’s hair, one time he tricked me into falling down the stairs. Once he built a trap specifically for me, which I wandered into, and he left me there for an hour.”

“Jesus.”

“He called it a Thor Trap and left me in there to stew. He got in so much trouble with our father for that one. But some of the pranks were really clever. He’s really intelligent. He skipped a grade in elementary school and was amazing all the way through high school and got accepted to Harvard. Didn’t go, though.”

“Why not?”

“There was an emergency and they revoked his admission.”

Steve whistled. “He must have been pissed.”

“Beyond pissed,” Thor agreed. “But he rebounded. The next near he went to Columbia, right in New York. That’s where we lived, after we moved from London. He studied law and got his degree, but he worked six months as a lawyer and realized he was shit at it,” Thor laughed. “He’s too damn opinionated. So he went to MIT.” 

Steve downed the last of his beer, but looked at Thor, interested in continuing the conversation.

“He applied because he knew he’d lose his mind if he worked as a lawyer,” Thor continued. “So after a year of being a shitty lawyer he went to MIT and did some crazy double major and then got a degree in something I can’t even remember the name of. He’s a theoretical biology and biophysics something-or-other at the Los Alamos National Laboratory.”

“And he’s how old?” Steve looked truly impressed, and Thor couldn’t help but feel a familiar spark of pride.

“Two years younger than me. Thirty-five.”

“Wow. He ever have an IQ test or anything?” Thor shook his head. “I’ve got a couple friends with genius-level IQs. They’d probably go wild over your little brother. I mean. Murder thing aside.” Steve cringed and backtracked. “But...as a person. What’s he like? Married, dating, what’s his personality, what are his hobbies? Right now he just sounds like...a hyper-intelligent force of chaos. A supervillain.” 

Thor laughed in spite of himself at the accuracy of that statement. He would have

thought talking about Loki after everything that had happened recently would upset him, but it was actually cathartic. “Well, he loves his pets. He’s a mama’s boy; the only person he’s never said or done anything remotely mean to is our mother.” Steve laughed at that comment. “He’s not married, and I don’t think he’s dated since college. He had a steady girlfriend in high school, but she broke up with him senior year because he was having some real bad issues. He tried again in college, think he had two boyfriends and one girlfriend throughout however many years he was in school, but it never got serious.” 

“He’s bisexual?” Steve asked, curious. He’d been brought up in a very conservative household, something Thor frequently forgot. That’s why Steve had ended up in the army, where he’d met Thor. 

“Pansexual.” At Steve’s questioning glance, Thor elaborated. “He can be attracted to anyone, regardless of gender or sex traits.”

“Huh.” Steve looked pensive. Reflective, maybe.

“He’s a nice guy, underneath all the asshole,” Thor continued. “He doesn’t interact with people much, though. He likes to read, he writes sometimes. Walks his dog around in the canyon behind his house, but I think we more walks  _ with  _ the dog. He’s been ticketed for letting him run around off leash. He works a lot, I think, and only occasionally contacts us. He’ll Skype with me once in a blue moon.”

Steve laughed again. “You don’t see him much.” It was an observation.

Thor shook his head. “I last saw him at Christmas, and Mother and I had to practically drag him to Colorado. He and our father don’t get along in the first place, and Loki was already pissed at all of us.”

“Hm.”

“I thought he’d get better after school ended, but he’s even more angry and secluded now than he was ten years ago,” Thor sighed. 

“Is he...why?” Steve asked. “If you don’t mind. I won’t… understand I won’t tell anyone about this, this is just you and me.” He held his hands up in submission, as if he’d overstepped. Maybe he had, Thor couldn’t tell anymore.

Thor nodded, then quietly answered. “He’s...I think he’s had some shit happen to him that he’s never told anyone.” He didn’t elaborate. He had theories, of course, he’d thought about it  _ so much  _ but he’d never actually asked. Loki wouldn’t stand for a heartfelt conversation like that.

Fenris started whining again.

“I’ve never asked him, though, it’s too personal. I love my brother, Steve, but he’s so...so much, sometimes, and I’ve known him his entire life and can’t even begin to understand him.”

Steve didn’t reply aside from a stiff pat on the shoulder, and Thor wondered again at how much everyone must  _ hate _ Loki, and how entitled to it they were, after what he’d done. That Loki was probably a terrible person, and Thor was too naive and blind to see it. But he couldn’t stop loving his brother. He didn’t want him to be put through this, even if he deserved it.

“I think the mouse is thawed,” Thor said suddenly, getting up to go feed the snake or cry. Maybe both. “I’m going to bed.”

ooo

_ There was something horribly wrong with Loki when he came home. _

_ His stay in the hospital had been estimated at three to five days, which they were told was average for a suicide attempt, but had lengthened and lengthened (psychosis, violent tendencies against self and others, a whole list of symptoms, really) until he was finally released at four weeks. School had ended for both boys by that time, but Thor didn’t see his brother much. Loki stayed in his room except for at mealtimes, and alternated between near-violent anger and sullenness. Loki had always been antisocial and sort of angry, but he’d usually been able to talk to Thor about his problems. Now he didn’t talk to anyone at all, usually. _

_ So, after a week of this, Thor knocked on his brother’s bedroom door. “Loki?” _

_ No response. He knocked louder. “Hey, Loki?” _

_ “Go away, Thor.” _

_ Thor opened the door and Loki looked up so fast Thor took a step back. _

_ “I said go away!” Loki was sitting on his bed in near-darkness, the shades open a crack, knees drawn up to his chest. He was in his boxers and t-shirt that hung loosely on him, and had he really lost that much weight? Loki glared at Thor, daring him to comment. He looked like he’d been crying.  _

_ Thor took a step into the dark, warm bedroom and Loki threw an empty water glass at him so hard it shattered against the wall, screaming “Get out!” Thor crossed the room in three swift strides and grabbed Loki, hauling him to his feet and hugging him so hard he actually squeaked before he began struggling to get free, tearing at Thor’s hair and screaming into his chest until he tired himself out and Thor forced them both to sit on the bed together. _

_ “I hate you,” Loki muttered. Thor leaned into his brother’s neck. Loki’s hair had grown out some, which Thor suspected was because they weren’t allowed scissors where he’d been. _

_ “I like your hair like this,” Thor mumbled into Loki’s neck. “You should grow it long. Like to your shoulders.” _

_ “Girl hair,” Loki laughed a little, repeating their childhood label. Thor chuckled along with him. “You really think?” _

_ “Try it,” he suggested. He was loathe to release his little brother, when it had been so long since he’d seen him and he’d been so scared that he might lose him, but he did. Loki sat up and looked at him like a kicked dog, which made Thor laugh. _

_ “Stop,” Loki grouched. _

_ “You going to tell me why you’ve been avoiding me?” Thor asked, raising his eyebrows. _

_ “No,” Loki said. _

_ “Then I’m staying in here with you.” Thor shuffled over and laid down on half of Loki’s bed. “Keep wallowing in misery until you feel like talking.”  _

_ Loki laid down on the other half of the bed, facing away from Thor and making a point of not touching him. They stayed like that for a while, not speaking, just listening to each other breathe. _

_ “I don’t know what to do,” Loki finally said. _

_ Thor’s heart leaped a little, and he was confused about the pride he felt for just getting his brother to open up. “About what?” Thor asked, not because Loki had nothing to worry about, but because his life had just collapsed around him and there were any number of things to be worried about. _

_ “About anything,” Loki murmured, like there was someone he didn’t want to hear the confession. “I don’t have anything. I was dumb and angry about Father, and thinking about how he hated me and loved you and how nothing could fix that, so I went and jumped into a river and ruined my fucking life.” _

_ “No, Loki,” Thor said. No what? _

_ “I woke up in a nightmare,” Loki whispered. “I missed my high-school graduation, Thor. My grades fell off so hard not even the state schools want me anymore. While I was trapped in that hellhole, administration took fucking  _ everything  _ from me.” _

_ “Was it that bad in there?” Thor had the sneaking suspicion something had happened to make Loki this upset, something that wasn’t just his formal education crumbling. Loki had never been a pinnacle of optimism, but he  _ always _ bounced back. In January, his girlfriend of three years, Sigyn, had dumped him, citing his increasingly strange behavior. Thor knew Loki had been in love with her; his brother had spoken fondly of his hopes of a future with her. He’d been heartbroken. But he’d picked up the pieces and moved on (frighteningly quickly, in the opinion of some) because that’s what Loki did. Thor loved that about him. Nothing kept him down for long. _

_ Except, apparently, this. _

_ After Loki had come back, Thor had taken to the internet and read real-life horror stories about stays in psychiatric hospitals, and felt a growing sense of dread as he realized what doctors had the power to do, the abuse his brother could have endured. And even if he’d been perfectly cared for, the embarrassment he would have suffered. _

_ “It was humiliating,” Loki mumbled. “They treat you like a child, they argue your every intelligent thought. All the nurses talk down to you like you’re some broken thing for them to coddle. You’re not allowed  _ pencils, _ Thor. They call them ‘sharps,’ like you can’t understand the concern that you’ll stab yourself with a bobby pin. And they always...he--” Loki stopped, and didn’t pick back up. _

_ “What?” _

_ “It’s nothing. I don’t want to talk about it. Just one of the doctors, I hate him. I hate him so much I want him dead and that scares me, Thor, I’ve had dreams of killing him and I’ve woken up...excited. Happy.” _

_ Which was, okay, a little bit concerning, but Thor was here to be supportive, and this guy had clearly done  _ something  _ to his little brother, the bastard probably deserved it. “It’s just a thought, Loki. It’s just a bad thought until you act on it. What did he do to you?” The sheets rustled as Loki curled in on himself slightly. _

_ “It’s nothing. I’m fine.” And Loki was clearly  _ not  _ fine, and this was  _ not _ over, but Thor would leave it alone for now. “I just don’t know what to do.” _

_ “You’re smart, Loki, you’ll figure it out. Take a year off, it won’t even put you behind. You’ll be in the same age group as everyone else. Take an equivalency exam or whatever you need to do to get all your high school credits, then reapply.” Words were tumbling out of Thor’s mouth at this point and he wondered how obvious it was the amount of thought he’d put into his brother’s future. _

_ “And where will I stay in the interim?” _

_ “At home, of course.” Thor was puzzled. “Where else?”  _

_ “Father doesn’t want a deadbeat under his roof,” Loki informed him. _

_ “He’s not heartless, Loki, and he loves you.” _

_ “He’s got a funny way of showing it.” And even though Loki was seventeen he did a great impression of an upset toddler. _

_ Thor sighed. “I’ll talk to him for you, alright? Just try to get better. I love you, Loki, I’m always here if you need advice.” _

_ “Don’t push your luck, you oaf, you’re two years older and that much dumber.” They both laughed, and Thor wrapped his arms around his brother, spooning him from behind, which was kind of weird but, he thought, necessary.  _

ooo

The first night, Thor had made the mistake of closing his bedroom door with Fenris outside of it. In retaliation, the dog had complained loudly until the door was opened for him, then hopped onto Thor’s bed as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He slept right beside Thor like a person, and Thor, in spite of himself, had been comforted by the animal’s presence. And Fenris was a quiet sleeper, probably used to sharing with a human.

Fenris slept in Thor’s bed every night after that. 

The second time Thor visited Loki, he went alone. Frigga was staying in a hotel nearby, as Thor and Steve really didn’t have a suitable place for her to stay in the house, and had visited earlier in the day. Odin had returned to New York.

It had been a week since their last meeting, and while Thor had used the time to process the situation more fully, he still hadn’t come to terms with it. On the bright side, Loki was looking better. Unfortunately, he refused all Thor’s attempts to touch or hug him.

“You’re looking better,” Thor informed his brother. Loki didn’t reply aside from a nod of acknowledgement. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been wasting away in prison for twelve days, Thor, but all things considered I’ve been worse.” Loki’s smile was a blatant nicety. “My arraignment was yesterday. I want you to know that I’ve pled guilty.”

“Guil--what? Why?” Thor leaned forward and scrutinized his brother as if he expected to find something amiss. Maybe he did. Loki was notorious for lying and twisting words, and here he had seemingly just given himself over.

“Oh, come,” Loki scoffed. “Surely you didn’t think I was innocent.” It wasn’t a question.

“No, I just thought you were a liar.” Loki had no apparent reaction to this.

“I lied initially,” Loki clarified. “I told them, ‘no, I didn’t do that.’ I think I put on a really good show of it, too, but they didn’t seem impressed. I’ve since learned that the evidence against my claims of innocence is overwhelming.”

Thor cocked his head, inviting his brother to elaborate.

“They’ve found forensic evidence, somehow,” Loki informed his brother. “I was incredibly careful and it took them months, but they found a hair somewhere. And they’ve got information from the airline databases, things like that, things I neglected to cover up. I was in a rush at the time.”

“But just the murders?” Thor asked, then cringed. Loki hadn’t mentioned the bombings at all, and Thor had jumped ahead of himself. 

Loki laughed, unoffended. “I was careful, Thor, about the bombs, understand, but they somehow still found evidence.” He seemed relaxed for someone who was to be convicted of several first-degree murders. “Incredibly circumstantial evidence, at first, some of the parts found at the lab where I work, some loose eyewitness accounts that I was nearby on both days, but again, after my arrest, they searched my belongings. Found a wire filament in my briefcase, things like that. I won’t detail it all for you, I’ve heard the spiel and I’ll tell you that it’s incredibly boring.” 

“But why not fight it?” 

“It’s useless.” Loki leaned forward and captured Thor’s gaze in his own. “I’ll be convicted. It’s easier to go down without a fight, Thor, don’t assume that I haven’t examined all my options, I have a law degree.” Loki’s nerves were finally starting to show a bit. “Trials are incredibly expensive. Sentencings, less so. And I’d be going through both in any scenario, so why not skip the drama?”

“Loki.” Thor wasn’t sure what he meant to say, and stopped.

“How much does the media hate me now, Thor?” Loki leaned back again, almost kingly in posture. “There’s a startling absence of pitchforks and torches, I’m disappointed.”

“Give it time,” Thor muttered. 

“And let me know when that time comes. I want to know what the public thinks. I’ve shattered a pillar of capitalism.” And several innocents. “Will I be lauded, or deplored?”

“There’s nothing honorable in murder, Loki.” Thor felt like he was talking to a child who’d stepped on a butterfly, explaining that it was cruel to destroy something smaller and weaker than oneself. 

“Well, I hope they’re at least impressed. This is an improvement over Kaczynski, no doubt, technically if not ethically.” 

“You’re insane,” Thor whispered breathlessly, mostly to himself. He’d still thought, perhaps, that Loki would feel some scrap of guilt, some regret for the lives lost. He showed none. According to Frigga’s accounts, Loki was hostile to her, asking if she was proud of what she’d raised, so he knew he’d done wrong, but they hadn’t been able to figure out his angle. Did he regret Frigga’s involvement, or did he want her to see what he’d stooped to?

“We tried that one, actually, but discarded it fairly quickly. ‘Guilty by reason of insanity.’ No. They’d never buy it, and I was  _ almost  _ entirely in my right mind.”

“You want this, don’t you?” Thor asked, voice trembling. With rage? Fear, sadness? “You want this publicity, this self-destruction.”

“I want the world to see what it has created,” Loki snarled, leaning forward so quickly that Thor leaned back on pure flight instinct. And then, as quickly as it had exploded, his temper receded. He sat back up, but was somehow smaller. He pinched the bridge of his nose, a familiar tic. “I’m finished talking with you, Thor. My sentencing is in three months, and this week I’ll be moved to the Penitentiary, near Santa Fe.”

Thor stood to leave. “I’ll see you later, Loki.”

ooo

_ “I’ll move to New Mexico in February,” Loki announced grandly, Skype warping and distorting his voice. They’d both been considering updating their vehicle for conversation. Skype, Loki said, was medieval. _

_ “Loki, that’s fantastic!” Thor was beside himself with excitement. Between Thor’s six years of military duty (after getting a bachelor’s in architecture five years in the making) and Loki’s twelve combined years of schooling (with a year in between during which he practiced law badly), they’d seen each other rarely. If the news that his brother would be moving to the same state elated him, Thor thought it was warranted.  _

_ “I’ve somehow got ahold of a position at the Los Alamos National Laboratory,” Loki said. “I’ve weaseled enough money out of Father to start paying for one of the cheaper houses, though I have no doubt I’ll be paying off student loans for the rest of my life. I’ll be living about an hour from you.” _

_ Thor laughed. “That’s great,” he repeated. “What will you be doing?” _

_ “My job,” Loki chuckled, but clarified. “Theoretical Biology and Biophysics.” Thor had never pegged Loki as a scientist, but he  _ had  _ pegged Loki as a lawyer and that had gone badly. His brother had considered a literature degree, but decided that if he was ever going to pay for two degrees he’d better get a job that made  _ money. 

_ “I still don’t know what that is.” _

_ “Well, if I tried designing a building it would fall over,” Loki grinned. “So, you win some, you lose some. How are things with Jane?” _

_ “They’re excellent.” Jane, Thor’s girlfriend of six years, had been one of the reasons he’d moved to New Mexico. Lovely, intelligent, sharp, and kind. She reminded Thor of Frigga, and, to a lesser extent, of Loki. He’d met her at a stoplight. “I’ve been considering proposing to her. She’s been very busy lately, though, and hasn’t been home much. She’s close to a breakthrough in her research on the Einstein-Rosen Bridge.” _

_ “You don’t even know what that is,” Loki accused. _

_ “Neither do you,” Thor retorted.  _

_ “Try me. But actually, Thor, I’m very happy for you. You two seem to love each other.” From Loki, that was a compliment.  _

_ “Anyone special in your life, then, brother?” Thor teased. Loki hadn’t held together a healthy, steady relationship since Sigyn in high school. Tony, some genius Loki had met at MIT, held the second highest record at one month. Loki had done the breaking up that time, however. _

_ “As a matter of fact, brother, I have purchased a snake.” Loki teased right back. He was in a good mood, Thor realized, better than he’d been in a long time. Thor was proud of him. _

_ “I love snakes!” _

_ “You’ll have to come meet him then. He’s not horribly venomous.” Loki let the suspense hang for a minute, then conceded. “He’s not venomous at all, he’s a ball python.” _

_ Thor barked a laugh. “What’s a brooding guy like you doing with a ball python?” _

_ “Feeding it live mice.” _

_ “Ah.” That made sense. “What’s its name?” _

_ “Jormungand.” _

_ “The fuck did you say?” _

_ “One of Loki’s children in Norse mythology. Jormungand, he was a giant serpent that lived on Midgard, with the humans.” _

_ “That’s the dorkiest thing you could name a snake,” Thor laughed. _

_ “Well, I happen to think he’s cool.” Loki turned his nose up.  _

_ Thor whipped around when he heard the door open in the back of his apartment, realizing quickly that it must have been his girlfriend returning from work. “I’m sorry, Loki,” he said apologetically, turning back to the computer screen and moving to press ‘end.’ “I think that’s Jane. Talk to you later?” _

_ “Talk to you later,” Loki agreed. _

_ “Bring your snake next time, you jerk.” _

_ Loki laughed. “Will do.” _

ooo

Fenris wouldn’t stop whining the morning Thor left for Loki’s sentencing hearing. Thor gave him more food, a treat, let him outside, and checked his water, but the dog just sat by the front door and cried. Steve was off work, so he finally came downstairs and got out the leash, finally distracting the anxious dog with a walk.

Thor drove to the courthouse in a daze, floated through security. He sat down next to Frigga, who was next to Odin who was next to a stranger. He greeted his parents, kissed his mother on the cheek, and sat down in a hard seat almost like a church pew from when Steve had dragged Thor out to the Christmas Eve service at his church. There was too much hate here, Thor thought, for it to be a church. He could see the Lachckovs, but there were a number of unknown people sitting around the family, friends, maybe.

When Loki came in, he sat at a table near the front of the room, directly opposite the Bench. He was still wearing that orange jumpsuit, but looked like he had showered. His wrists were cuffed to his waist. As he walked by, Thor watched the nervous flaring of his nostrils. He came forward smoothly, sat down smoothly, and was joined at his table by his attorney.

“All present, please rise,” they were commanded from somewhere in the courthouse. Thor rose, numbly, and watched as Loki did the same. The Judge entered. He was a man of average stature, unimposing, but Loki’s body language shifted toward the defensive as he approached the Bench. The Judge sat and began to shuffle through his papers. “Please be seated.” Thor was aware of Frigga shaking next to him when they sat back down.

“It’s alright, mother,” he murmured. He saw her nod in his peripheral vision.

When the Judge spoke, his voice was quiet and reasonable. “We are here this morning in the case of the state of New Mexico vs Loki Olson.” He read off the case number to the defending lawyer, and finished: “this case is set for sentencing.”

Thor lost focus as the Judge finished listing important names and dates for the record. He was sitting here to watch his brother be sentenced for  _ murder,  _ and it really didn’t feel real. Thor had lived with this hanging over his head for three months, and it  _ still _ didn’t feel real. How could it? He imagined how Loki felt. Scared. Then he imagined how the grieving family in the seats behind and next to them felt, and that shut his thoughts up real quick.

“There are a number of documents that have been submitted to the court for review,” the Judge announced, and proceeded to list them, making sure that all the important parties (Thor didn’t know who they were, but he was sure Loki did) had received and read them. Investigation reports, forensic analysis reports, autopsy reports, evaluations of Loki’s mental health, evaluations of Loki’s travel history, witness evaluations. There were at least a dozen of them, and Thor grew antsy listening to the list lengthen document by document.

Finally the list ended.

“Mrs. Farrow,” the Judge addressed Loki’s lawyer, “is there any testimony you would like to offer before the sentencing?” 

The lawyer stood up. “Yes, Your Honor.” She approached a kind of podium, still facing the bench, and began to speak. Loki regarded her with calculating detachment as she addressed the family of Loki’s victims, apologizing for their losses, and addressed the gravity of the crime, stressing that it was, in fact, severe, and stressing that while she spoke only in Mr. Olson’s best interest, nothing she said could minimize the loss. She reminded the court that Loki took full responsibility for all charges. That he had confessed and cooperated. Then she sat down, and while Thor didn’t know much about the workings of the court, Loki looked shaken enough that he wondered if there shouldn’t have been something more.

The prosecuting lawyer stood up then. “Your Honor, there is a family member of the victims who would like to speak to the court, will Ms. Misha Lachckov be entertained?”

“The court will entertain the statement of Misha Lachckov,” the Judge confirmed. A soft, black-haired woman stood from a few benches behind Thor and approached the podium. “If you would please introduce yourself,” the Judge invited her.

The woman ran a nervous hand through her hair and cleared her throat, but when she spoke, it was with conviction. “My name is Misha Lachckov,” she ground out, staring down at Loki, “and I am the sister of Laufey Lachckov, one of the ten individuals dead at the hands of this man. I’d like both Mr. Olson and the court to know that not only is he no relative of mine, but he’s slaughtered my real family in cold blood, in a vile, heinous act with no apparent explanation.” Her voice began to tremble. “Three days before Christmas, I got a call from the authorities as next of kin. My brother, his wife, and their three sons had been found dead in their home. 

“I had to identify their bodies. I had to see my family, mangled and dead. I had to tell my children, significantly younger than my brother’s, that their uncle, their aunt, and their older cousins, who they thought the world of, were gone forever, because of  _ this man.” _

Loki watched, brow furrowed, as Misha spoke to him. Thor had never seen a person despise someone else as much as this woman hated his Loki, and it was such a shocking departure from his own experience as Loki’s brother that it made his head spin.

“He hasn’t shown any remorse, he appears to rest easily while ten people are  _ dead  _ because of him, stabbed to death in the most personal, horrible murders I’ve ever heard of.” She took a shaky breath and her voice crescendoed. “You’re an evil, vile monster and I hope to God the court gives you life in prison, though you deserve death and an eternity in Hell. We will  _ never  _ forgive you for what you’ve done.” She stared at Loki for a moment before she whirled around and walked back to her seat, glancing at Thor and his parents on the way.

Frigga was crying softly into a handkerchief. 

“Mrs. Farrow,” the Judge addressed Loki’s lawyer, “is there anything else you would like to address at this time?”

“No, Your Honor.”

The Judge nodded at the prosecuting lawyer. “Ms. Mulne, go ahead.”

The dark-skinned woman nodded back at the Judge and stepped up to the podium, beginning to lay the groundwork for the sentence immediately. “The murders of Laufey and Farbauti Lachckov and their children, Helblindi and Byleistr Lachckov, occurred on December twenty-second, 2017. The bombings of the Lachckov corporation took place on January third and January seventeenth, 2018, respectively.” She read off the names of the six people the bombs had killed, as well as the eighteen they had injured.

“Loki Olson was arrested as a primary suspect in all three crimes on June eighth, 2018, and has been held in custody since then. He initially claimed innocence but at his arraignment hearing, Mr. Olson assumed guilt for each crime individually. 

“When asked by police if he murdered the Lachckov family, Mr. Olson replied, ‘yes, I killed them. All four.’ When asked whether or not he was responsible for the bombings, his words were: ‘I built them, and placed them. I did not intend for a specific person to die, in that moment. I meant to make a statement, and those injured were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time...there was no intended target.’ He said: ‘the people I wanted dead were already dead.’”

There were no words for the pit of dread that had opened inside Thor, or the overwhelming sadness, or the disappointment. It was horrific to realise that the man he was raised with, a man he  _ loved  _ and supported, had killed in cold blood, could speak so flippantly about accidental deaths. Thor had been provided with documents and files detailing the murders, Loki’s confession, and other circumstances, but he’d left them unread, hoping to hear the words from his brother. He suddenly wished he’d prepared better.

“Mr. Olson has stated on the record that he decided to kill his biological father, Laufey Lachckov, two days before the murder, on December twentieth, 2017. Leaving his pets in the care of a neighbor, he flew to California on Southwest Airlines flight 602, which departed at three am on December twenty-second. Mr. Olson rented a car from the airport, the documents from which have been retained, and drove to the Lachckov household. He withdrew fifty dollars from an ATM and bought dinner, stealing a steak knife from the restaurant.

“At approximately eleven pm, Mr. Olson entered the Lachckov mansion through a basement window, slicing through the screen with the steak knife. He cut every phone cord he could find in the kitchen, moving silently so as not to alert the inhabitants of the home. Mr. Olson has stated that at the time, he had no knowledge of how many people were in the house, and his intention was only to kill Laufey. 

“Mr. Olson has stated, on the record: ‘I was walking through the home, at that point, silently, because I didn’t know who was home. I checked every room carefully before I entered and made sure not to touch things, even though I was wearing gloves. I actually found one of the sons first. I did not want to hurt him, but I did not want him to wake up, so I slit his throat. He was asleep. He died peacefully.’”

Frigga was crying audibly, though she attempted to muffle her shaky sobs. Thor thought he was probably crying too, distressed as he was. He regretted leaving the files unread, though he’d known vague details of the murders. This was horrible to hear for the first time with his brother sitting not three yards from him, pursing his lips nervously and swallowing. Thor watched Loki’s eyes flick around the room, returning every time to the prosecutor.

“Byleistr Lachckov, Laufey’s second son with Farbauti, died at about 11:20 pm. He was nineteen years old and died in his bedroom with his Carotid artery and windpipe slit.”

Someone, maybe Misha, sobbed audibly. Frigga echoed the cry and Thor placed an arm around her waist. He thought he might be sick.

“Mr. Olson then stated, on the record: ‘I had been through the entire basement and first level and did not encounter anyone else, so I went upstairs. There was a light on in the first bedroom and the door was open, so I paused,’ Mr. Olson was on the stairs at this point according to his confession, ‘and I saw the other son, the bearded one, walk from the bathroom to the bedroom, and I slipped behind him, and the light from his bedroom cast my shadow behind us, out of his line of sight, and he had earbuds in. I was able to sneak up behind him and grab his mouth, and he cried out once but I threatened to kill him if he did it again, so he didn’t. But there couldn’t be any witnesses, so I apologized to him and forced him down on the bed, sort of under me at that point, which frightened him, and I slit his throat as well, but he didn’t die immediately so I panicked. That’s where his stab wounds came from.’

“Helblindi Lachckov, Laufey Lachckov’s first son with his wife Farbauti, died at 11:35 pm. He was twenty-three years old and died in his bedroom with six stab wounds and a slit throat. Any four of these wounds could have been fatal on its own.”

Thor watched Loki take a deep breath and close his eyes. He would be pinching the bridge of his nose if his hands were free. That looked like guilt. Remorse. Something in Thor sparked to see it. Several people were crying now.

“One of Mr. Olson’s hairs was discovered on a quilt on Helblindi Lachckov’s bed,” the prosecutor continued. “There was no evidence of sexual assault from the autopsy or from Mr. Olson’s account.

“At this point, according to Mr. Olson’s account, he had searched every room in the house and had picked nothing up, nor had he left nothing behind, aside from the hair that he left involuntarily. So he went to the master bedroom. He testified that he was excited and frightened. Mr. Olson entered the master bedroom cautiously. Both Laufey and Farbauti were asleep inside. Mr. Olson testified that he quickly slit Farbauti’s throat while she slept before waking Laufey up. Laufey responded fearfully to Mr. Olson’s presence. Mr. Olson has stated, on record: ‘he did not notice  the wife had been killed, at first.’ Laufey asked Mr. Olson who he was, and Mr. Olson reportedly replied: ‘I am the child you abandoned to this hell’ and began to brutalize Mr. Lachckov. Mr. Lachckov sustained defensive wounds on his arms and face as well as his neck and torso, as well as twenty-one stab wounds, eight of which would have been fatal alone. Laufey and Farbauti Lachckov died of their injuries within several minutes of each other, around 11:40 pm. When asked why he only woke Laufey before killing him, Mr. Olson replied that he ‘wanted him to know what was going to happen to him, and why.’

“Mr. Olson remained in the Lachckov household until midnight. Then he left through the basement door and drove in a random direction before burying his knife and returning to the airport, where he left the car and flew home on Southwest Airlines Flight 707, which departed at 5:00am on December 23rd. Upon returning to New Mexico, he reportedly burned the clothes he had been wearing at the time of the murders and drove up to spend Christmas with his adoptive mother, father and brother in Colorado. The clothes were never discovered. The steak knife was found still in Laufey Lachckov’s corpse, with no forensic evidence on it save for blood from each family member.”

Thor regretted.

And the prosecutor continued. She described the bombings, how they had been carried out, how they had differed and how they had been the same, how Loki had built the bombs at home with stolen parts from the lab and pieces of household appliances, how planted them in the company buildings in an attempt to murder whoever was unlucky enough to trip them. All the while, Loki sat motionless--once, when he caught Thor staring at him, he blinked, then sent him a weak smile. Like they were back in high school. Like this was detention for putting a thumbtack on the teacher’s swivel chair. Finally, the prosecutor began to wrap it up.

“Your Honor, you know the story. I ask you to consider, as you make your final decision, the circumstances surrounding this man’s mental health. There is nothing that can soften the blow made by these murders. Loki Olson, based on assessments performed during his incarceration, possesses reasonable control of his actions and was in control of his mental faculties at the time of these premeditated crimes. He possesses a genius-level intelligence and high-level reasoning and decision-making skills. There is no plea for his lack of sanity or clarity. There is no argument that can be made for his release. These murders were the act of an evil, dangerous person, and any sentence but life without parole will be insufficient to reform him and protect the people of this nation. I ask you to consider these facts, and the man’s own accounts of his actions, as you sentence him, Your Honor.” Then she turned and sat back down. 

The Judge turned back to Loki’s lawyer, asked if there was anything else. She said no, there was not. “Very well. Loki Olson, will you please stand?”

Loki and his lawyer both stood in slow motion, facing away from Thor, toward the Judge. Loki turned and glanced down at his lawyer and she murmured something to him. He nodded and looked back toward the Judge. Thor found himself shrinking away from the severe gaze of the Judge, though it was trained on his brother, not him. Frigga was practically vibrating next to him, while Odin looked forward, stone faced. The tension in the room was palpable.

The Judge addressed Loki directly: “You have pled guilty to ten counts of first degree murder, four committed at your own hand and six a product of bombs you very purposefully built and planted. I do not believe these are the crimes of an insane man.” He picked up and shuffled his papers, setting them aside.

When he resumed, his voice was slightly more impassioned. “I do, however, believe them to be heinous acts of hatred deserving of punishment. I also believe, truly, that allowing you to reintegrate into society by any measure will be responsible or safe.”

Loki readjusted his stance slightly.

“Therefore, I will set your sentence as confinement in the penitentiary for life, without parole. You will begin serving your sentence immediately.”

Frigga wailed. 

ooo

_ Somehow, Thor had been excluded from the family drama that had apparently been unfolding since just after Thanksgiving. _

_ He had arrived at his parents’ Colorado vacation home a few days before Christmas (they liked it cold in the winter, and Frigga had an unfounded love of skiing), greeted his parents, and promptly asked when Loki would arrive, stating that he hadn’t seen him in literally forever.  _

_ It was at this point that Frigga begrudgingly told Thor that Loki hadn’t spoken to Odin in three weeks and had just called to inform Frigga that he wouldn’t be able to make it that year.  _

_ “Why? What’s happened, is he okay?” Thor was more than a little irritated that his parents and brother hadn’t bothered to fill him in  _

_ “He’s fine, sweetie, just upset with us.” Frigga placed her hands on Thor’s shoulders and looked at him sternly. “You can try to convince him to come up, but don’t force him, okay? He’s been stressed recently.” And that wasn’t new, Loki had worked himself excessively for years, for reasons that Thor couldn’t quite parse. He made enough money that he would eventually be able to pay off his debts and retire. Thor had wondered if maybe Loki just worked so much because he had little else to do. Because he had nobody to see and nowhere else to be. Or maybe he needed a distraction from something; Thor remembered working more after Jane had dumped him, forcing himself to think about anything but the fact that his life as he knew it had ended. _

_ Regardless, as soon as Thor was set up in one of the guest rooms, he called Loki on his cell phone (Loki never picked up his landline). Loki answered after two rings. _

_ “What.” _

_ “What?” Thor asked, incredulous. “What are you doing? Mother just told me you won’t be coming out for Christmas!” _

_ “I won’t. I’m busy.” Loki sounded either pissed off or distracted. “Is that all you need, Thor?” _

_ “Wait a second, hang on, I’m not done. You always take time off work for holidays, Mother spoke like you were upset with us. What did we do?” _

_ “There you go again, inserting yourself where you don’t belong. Believe me, Thor, this has nothing to do with you.” Loki’s voice sounded far away for a moment, like he had turned away from the speaker.  _

_ “I’m part of this family, so if it’s the family’s business it’s damn well my business too. What’s going on, Loki?” _

_ Loki sighed. “Listen, Thor, I’m in the middle of something right now and I don’t have time to talk. If you’re really curious about it, ask Odin.” Then he hung up. _

_ Thor held out his phone and stared at ‘call ended.’ “What the fuck?” he muttered.  _

ooo

Receiving agents came into the courtroom and took Loki away, back to jail. Where he lived now. Where he would either kill himself, be killed, or wither with age behind bars for upwards of 70 years before quietly passing away.

There was no death sentence in New Mexico.

Thor wondered, for the first time, if that was the kindest thing.

ooo

_ “Father!” _

_ “Yes, Thor?” Odin sounded weary, like he’d known this was coming.   _

_ “What’s the matter between you and Loki?” Thor sat down on the couch beside his father. ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ was on in the background.  _

_ “He found out he’s adopted,” Odin said, then turned back to the TV. Thor blinked a few times and turned the words over in his head. _

_ “He found out what? How?” _

_ “He offered familial DNA to a friend at the lab for a study--without our consent, I’ll add--and found out from this friend that he’s unrelated to us. That your mother and I adopted him. And now he’s acting like a child.” Which wasn’t really fair, Thor thought he would probably act a bit like a child too if he’d just found out, at  _ thirty-five years of age, _ that he was adopted. And when he thought about it, it did make sense. Loki’s hair and eyes, his stature, had always come down to some dormant genes, some lost relative--instead, they had come from outside the family altogether. And that information had not only been kept from them, but  _ guarded. _ Frigga and Odin had actively  _ lied  _ about it.  _

_ “I can see why he’s upset,” Thor hedged.  _

_ “We were trying to protect him,” Odin argued, and it sounded like an excuse. “Think how he would have felt if we told him, if he’d known that he was of a hated bloodline. The Lachckovs have always been our direct business competitors, we spoke the name frequently, and never in a positive context.” _

_ Though he was slightly shocked, Thor thought ‘hated’ might be a bit harsh for the family’s attitude for the Lachkovs, and even if it hadn’t been Thor wouldn’t understand what about that piece of information diminished Loki’s right to be upset. “How did you even get a child off the Lachckovs?” _

_ “He’s Laufey’s oldest child. A bastard son. Laufey’s known children are his younger half-siblings. Laufey was not married, and a bastard would have reflected badly on him socially, so he refused to provide for him and his mother. Frigga was acquainted with Loki’s mother. She agreed to take him, and he was passed to her when he was not yet six months old.” _

_ “And he just learned all of this? Three weeks ago?” _

_ “Yes. He’s handled it badly.”  _

_ “I think I would handle news like that badly, too, Father,” Thor growled.  _

_ “He screamed at me about the rightful order of things and growing up in the shadow of my birth son.” Odin seemed regretful, maybe for the first time. “I recognized demons in him that I thought were dead. He screamed himself hoarse at me and then either hung up or threw his phone into a wall, and didn’t contact either of us until your mother, yesterday.” He pressed his thumbs together. “I’m sorry, Thor,” he added, and it seemed like a side thought. _

_ “I wish you’d told him,” Thor said tersely. He sat with Odin for a while longer, thinking he might come up with something else to say, but he didn’t. He stood and left. _

ooo

It had been a month since the trial; Thor and Steve were eating dinner in front of the TV, Fenris curled up between them and shedding on the couch, when the call came in, Thor’s cell phone blasting Led Zeppelin from his back pocket and startling all three of them. He picked it up and examined it curiously.

“Who is it?” Steve asked, turning the volume down on the TV. 

“Unknown number.” Thor shrugged and pressed the ‘answer’ button and held the phone up to his ear. “Hello?”

“This is a Global Tel Link prepaid call from  _ Loki Olson _ , an inmate at the Penitentiary of New Mexico. This call will be recorded and monitored...” an automated message played after a few seconds, a robotic-sounding woman interrupted by a recording of Loki saying his own name. The voice instructed Thor to press ‘one’ to accept the call. He did so, wordlessly, and a message beep sounded.

“Hello?” Thor tried again.

“Hello.” Fenris immediately stood up as Loki replied, sounding slightly tinny through the phone. Thor waited for Loki to give a reason for his call. He didn’t. When Thor glanced toward Steve, his roommate was mouthing: ‘who is it?’

“Loki,” Thor said, for the benefit of both his brother and Steve.

“Yes?” Loki replied, as if waiting for Thor to ask a question. Fenris cocked his head.

“I don’t know, you called me. Is something wrong?”

“Is it really so strange for me to call my own brother?” Seeming to have confirmed Loki’s voice, Fenris let loose a volley of barks and jumped off the couch to face Thor, where he stood, wagging his tail and barking accusingly at the man who dared hold his master in the tiny box. “Is that Fenris?” Loki asked. There may have been a hint of emotion in his voice.

“Yes, he was on the couch with me. Now he’s...spinning in circles.” Thor smiled as Steve desperately tried to shush the dog, whose barks were growing increasingly desperate. “He misses you so much.”

“Poor thing doesn’t know where I’ve gone,” Loki muttered, before raising his voice again. “Put me on speaker,” he ordered. Thor made a show of rolling his eyes for Steve, but complied.

“Fenris,” Loki called, pitching his voice up slightly. Fenris yelped louder and seemed to have no idea what to do with his body, wiggling and bouncing and turning circles. “Hey, boy, hush.” Fenris yelped a few more times. “Hush!” Loki insisted. Fenris paused, yelped one more time, then fell silent, standing with one paw off the ground and his big black tail waving in the air. “Good boy.” Steve looked at the dog, impressed.

“Hey, boy, I’m alright.” Fenris cocked his head as Loki continued to speak to him. “I’m alright, but you’re going to be staying with Thor now,” he informed the dog as if he could understand. “Thor, you will be keeping my dog,” he informed his brother.

“I was planning to, but thank you for the options,” Thor laughed, taking Loki off speaker. Steve seemed to take that as his cue to leave, and walked away. Thor mouthed thanks to him.

“Is he doing well?” Loki asked, of his dog. Fenris sat down, ears pricked toward the phone.

“He’s great. He eats well and takes up half my bed every night. He’s jumped out of the backyard twice now, so I take him outside on a leash.”

“Did you punish him?” Loki asked.

“No?” Thor replied.

“You should, so he knows he’s not to do that again. He takes direction well--if you show him you’re in charge he’ll listen. He’s very intelligent.” Loki sounded like a proud parent, and it was adorable. “And Jormungand? I won’t make you let me talk to him, he doesn’t care, but is he alright?”

“Eating creepy dead mice like a champ,” Thor assured him. “Was there something you needed to tell me?” He redirected, still wondering what had prompted Loki to suddenly call him out of the blue.

“Not particularly,” Loki sighed gustily. “I’m bored.” Ah.

“You’re lonely,” Thor accused. “Why haven’t you let me visit you?”

Loki paused, then exhaled loudly. “I haven’t been well,” he admitted softly. 

“Are you alright?”

The question was met immediately with silence, and finally with: “No.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” 

They sat there for a moment, Thor holding the phone up to his ear, listening to Loki breathing, Fenris sitting at Thor’s feet, waiting.

“Can I ask you a question?” Thor managed, finally. His heart was racing.

“What is it.” 

Thor took a deep breath. “Why?”

“Why...did I do it?”

“Yes,” Thor replied, relieved that Loki had said it instead of him, and thanking whatever gods were out there that his brother didn’t seem upset by the question.

Loki was silent for a long time, and Thor could almost hear him thinking. “I am angry,” Loki finally said, placing careful purpose on each word. Am. “The world has been unkind to me. Father has been unkind to me. You all have been, to an extent. I thought... _ he _ was the one who did this, if he hadn’t tossed me out like garbage none of this would have happened, that if I, if I killed him, it would be better.”

Thor didn’t ask Loki to expound. He didn’t want or need to explore whatever twisted logic Loki had created for himself, what awful world he lived in where death and murder were a first resort. Thor wanted desperately to go on believing that Loki had somehow just confused himself. He didn’t want to think about his brother killing people. He didn’t want to think about those people’s lives, those people’s families, or of Loki, with a steak knife and bloodstained hands, slinking through a sleeping family’s house. He didn’t want to think about every opportunity Loki had to abort his mission, to  _ not  _ murder someone, to  _ not  _ build a bomb, about each of those opportunities Loki had turned away from. About what bloodthirsty monster lived inside his brother. Most of all, Thor didn’t want to think about Loki, sitting alone in prison, wracked either with guilt or whatever it was that had brought him to the point of no return, curled up in a dark cell, sleeping alone, eating alone, never visiting for another holiday again and wasting away until he died, forgotten. 

Thor didn’t ask Loki to expound. Instead, he simply asked: “do you regret it?”

“No.” Loki answered almost before Thor had finished asking his question.  


Thor knew his brother at least well enough to know when he was lying.

ooo

_ “Loki!” _

_ “Thor, it’s been thirty minutes since the last damn time you called me. Whatever this is, it had better be good.” _

_ “We want you to come up for Christmas. Please.” _

_ “You and what army?” Loki scoffed. In answer, Thor passed the phone to Frigga. _

_ “Loki, sweetheart,” she sounded like she was soothing a crying child. “We’re your family, no matter what, and we want to see you. I’ve missed you. You’ve been working so hard.” She paused and listened. “I know. And you have to talk to him. You don’t have to come now, just whenever you can. Please?” She listened again, a little longer. “Your Father’s missed you, Loki. We all have. Please, come be with us for Christmas. You shouldn’t be alone.” She paused a final time, then smiled. “Thank you, sweetheart. I love you. We’ll see you on the 24th.” She hung up and handed the phone back to Thor. “He’ll be up on Christmas Eve.” _

_ “You’re magic,” Thor grinned. _

_ “I’m a mom,” Frigga laughed. “I know my son.” _

_ Thor slipped his cell phone back into his pocket and paused. “Did he tell you what he was doing?” he asked, hoping Loki wasn’t working himself to death. _

_ “He said he had to fix something.” _

_ “Fix what?” Thor laughed. “Is he trying to repair his plumbing or something?” _

_ “I don’t know what it is, he just said ‘I need to fix it. Then I’ll come.’”  _

  


End

  


**Author's Note:**

> I Am Sorry
> 
> Also this story is not beta read so if there are any glaring inconsistencies or grammatical errors just let me know! And before you get mad about the way I wrote anything, please read over the notes at the BEGINNING of the fic, because I've grown concerned you skipped over them.
> 
> Some more writing notes:  
> \- Thor is an architect because in the first scene of Thor 2011 Odin talks about Mjolnir being a tool to build or destroy and whatever. Loki tried and failed at being a lawyer because that seems in character for him, and he's a scientist now because I said so. Literally that's the only reason.  
> \- Thor and Loki both live in New Mexico because half of Thor 2011 takes place in New Mexico, but also because both of my grandfathers worked at the LANL and both my parents were raised in Los Alamos. I love Los Alamos. And Santa Fe.  
> \- I think Steve is so understanding of Thor's predicament because he's been through something similar with Bucky. I think Steve is also in stage one of figuring out his sexual preferences.  
> \- I have been to New York one (1) time. It was insane. Again, it was just chosen because it has some bearing on the plot of the MCU and also because it's a place I'm marginally familiar with.  
> \- Thor and Loki were both born in the US (California probably, based on my cop-out adoption scenario), but moved to the UK for about ten years for Odin's job. They moved back to New York shortly before the flashback where they appear as children. Why? Because I can't imagine them without accents, that's why, and we're just going to have to pretend an Australian accent and a British accent are fucking close enough. If you're an Aussie please don't kill m  
> \- Odin is legitimately trying to be a good parent? It just really hasn't worked out for anyone. Frigga is an amazing parent and she and Loki are very close.  
> \- They all seem to really like tea which was something unintentional but sometimes I guess that is just how it be  
> \- I do not understand how the legal system works. I did some research and tried my best but it's still a little rough and I know this. Loki's trial is based on the Rachel Shoaf and Sheila Eddy trials because those were the easiest sentencing trials for me to find good records of and I assume that there's a rigid structure that most of these trials should be following. There is no plea deal for Loki because there's no ground to stand on and also I am 18 and have no literal idea how plea deals work logistically.  
> \- There's definitely a lot more going on with Loki mentally, emotionally and just...in general than Thor has any idea about. I know I've hammered this into the ground at this point but Thor doesn't have all the details. There's a super complicated network of shit going on with Loki that led to these specific circumstances.  
> \- I am not sure (in fact I doubt) that the trial for crimes committed in California would take place in New Mexico but eh. Nuances.  
> \- Some of the narration in the trial and structure of Loki's crime is based on Helter Skelter because I've been reading it recently, It's wild  
> \- Loki absolutely wears his ball python like a scarf. My best friend has a ball python who I myself have walked around wearing as a scarf.  
> \- I'm really interested in exploring what happened between Sigyn and Loki or Tony and Loki or anything really. I may just write another part for this where Thor's research goes beyond information he's already got.  
> \- I think parts of this read very awkwardly. Again, if you're interested in beta reading this, just step on up. I don't even know that anyone is going to read this anyway but if you do and want to help me fix my horrible clunky dialogue feel free  
> \- I think that's all? I forgot to take notes as I wrote this so this is just all the stuff I remember thinking about. This is a long story I wrote it myself and read through it twice and I've already forgotten all the details
> 
> I CANNOT STRESS HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE COMMENTS AND KUDOS. If you appreciated this even a little, let me know why!


End file.
